Hillarology: The Study and Management of Me

I’ve always wanted to be a writer.

There’s something exciting to me about being able to craft that perfect sentence, finding that precise word, turn of phrase to express yourself.

I’m not good though at poetry…I dabbled in it in high school and for school projects but it was never my calling.

I enjoy writing a good drabble though the word count limit always feels restraining. Why should I limit myself to x amount of words when there are so many words to use? I do however enjoy that challenge of saying what I need to say in a limited amount of space.

My joy when my muse allows me is story telling, especially creating a well written love story. My desktop is filled with saved files of half written stories, character outlines, and plots. I used to write fan fiction, effortlessly creating storylines between my favorite characters and posting them on message boards for people to read and provide feedback or rather to seek approval. And approval I did receive. I used thrive on the posts I read in response: “Loved it!” Can’t wait to read more” “Great story-telling!” “Love your writing!”

I don’t know what happened to me since I stopped writing fan fiction. Maybe college, boyfriends, drama, life. Whatever it is, my muse disappeared. I have brief moments of being able to write something worth reading but those spurts are few and far between. My last bout of writing came between November and December last year when I sat down to write my father’s and in turn, my life story. I figured it would be a good practice in writing in a style I’m not comfortable with and telling a story I felt was worth sharing. 32 pages and 13000 words later…the most I’ve ever written…I’ve stalled out on that as well.

Maybe that’s why I love journaling so much these days. I may not be able to write the next great American romance novel or memoir…but journaling allows me to leave a mark on the world as tiny as it is.

What bought this on you wonder? Why ramble about my lack of writing ability?

I went to Target today with Jon and as we parked, I watched a bird soar and fly down to land on top of a mini-van. I wondered what it would be like to soar like that and immediately felt the need to write down my thoughts and create a children’s story. However I don’t carry a journal on me (maybe I should) and I willed myself to remember my thoughts, repeating them over and over again as I wandered the aisles of Target. As soon as I got home, I typed down a plot summery and then froze.

Because what’s the point of writing summeries when I can’t get past that point?

I thought about it for a few moments.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Why am I not writing? And it hit me…because I stop when it gets too hard and I walk away. If I don’t get that immediate gratification, it doesn’t feel worth it. Same idea as me trying to lose weight and same idea as me struggling with my relationship doubts or me taking several years of wanting to join a recreation league before I finally did it. Because I’m scared. Because I don’t know what to expect if I do complete my goals or what to do after I have completed my goals and more importantly, what if I fail? You can’t fail…if you don’t try.

So here it is.

I want to be a writer. I would love to see my work published. I may not know how to go about it once I’m done but I’m tired of wanting to do something, be something and then never doing so.

I will be a writer.

Step one as I learned today: carry a notebook around me for when the plot line strikes so that I’m not wandering around a store trying to repeat my ideas over and over in my head.

I will succeed…more importantly if I fail, at least I know I tried to accomplish my goals rather talking about my goals and not doing anything about them.

I keep thinking I want to update here…but then I wonder what’s the point when I have close friends over at Livejournal and who really wants to listen to me out in the Internet world and who’s actually going to comment? So then I put the idea aside and type away on my Livejournal pouring out my thought, dreams, hopes, desires, etc etc.

But you know what? I want to be heard. I have stories to tell. Granted they tend to be of the variety of being slapped in the face by an 11 year old autistic student or being hugged to death by my 8 year old student with traumatic brain injury. But I like to think I’m more exciting that just my job title. I’m 26 years old…and I have no idea where my life is heading. I have a job that while I love what I do, I hate where I work. I have a Doofus who I’m exploring life with and hoping that one day there will be an engagement ring. And a wedding. I like weddings. I also would like to be able to afford said wedding. I have my friends who I have random adventures with like skinny dipping in a creek, learning about fro-yo, trivia nights, board games, and nights spent sitting in a car in my parking lot discussing life. I have a father who has been deported and a mother who drives me nuts but who I adore. I think I have a lot to share…and I’m not sure if I was ready before to really sit down and take a risk opening up sharing myself like that. It’s much easier to write when you have it locked away for certain people to read. But this is Hillarology…I get to self-analyze and I get to tell my stories just like everyone else and see where this takes me!

My life lately: work, work some more, come home and work on grad school homework, fall asleep on the couch watching TV or cuddle with a Doofus. My life hasn’t been so exciting these past two weeks (though it will be more exciting this weekend as I’ll be going out Friday and Saturday night with friends haha). This week though, I’ll be getting a needed break as I’m only working three days this week along with only working one day of those at the synagogue. Why? Wednesday night is Erev Rosh Hashanah or rather the beginning of the Jewish New Year. We’re going over to Felicia’s for dinner that night which I’m excited about. Thursday, we’re closed…and I figured since it was my holiday and it’s a holiday that lasts for two days, I’m taking off Friday too. Thus I have myself a 4 day weekend (well 3.5 because I’m teaching Sunday school). I’m lucky in the fact that I live in a state where our some of our counties will close our schools for the first day of Rosh Hashanah as we do have a huge Jewish population in central Maryland (as far as I know Montgomery, PG, Anne Arundel, Howard, Baltimore County – not the city though to my surprise, and Frederick close). I remember when I was younger watching an episode of Saved By the Bell in which Zach discovers he could pretend to be Jewish and take a day off of school for Rosh Hashanah and takes advantage of it. I didn’t understand until I was older that I was lucky that where I live respects my holidays. I never had to worry about missing a day of school because we close while  most schools across the country are open on this day.

I love the High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement). It’s my favorite time of the year. It’s about time when the school year has just started and the seasons are changing.  While I do believe January 1st is the beginning of the new year, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur mark for me also a new beginning of a year, new possibilities, and a chance at renewal. It’s a time for me to reflect, to appreciate, and to look forward to another year. It’s also a time to spend with family, relax, pray, and think about the upcoming year.

I’m excited that I got tickets this year for services (for free!). For those who don’t know, while going to services any other time of the year is free…most synagogues charge an arm and a leg for High Holiday tickets. When I say arm and a leg, I’m speaking $500+ a ticket! It’s the synagogue’s way of making money as a synagogue does not collect donations like a church does on a weekly basis. The money raised this way supports a synagogue pretty much year around. I think it’s ridiculous how much they charge as I feel services should be free at any time of the year – why should I be charged so I can pray? At the same point, I understand their logic. I’ve never bought tickets before and when I’ve gone to services, I’ve got to the Hebrew Home (the nursing home around here), walked into Orthodox synagogues and prayed (they don’t care), or have gone with other people. This year, I took advantage of the fact that I work at a synagogue and can get free tickets and procured tickets for Mommy, Jon, and I for the holidays!

Yes, that’s right…my non-Jewish boyfriend is coming with me to services for the first time ever! I’m excited to share my religion with him in a way I’ve never had before. I’m curious to hear what he’s going to think about the experience. I’m curious myself to see what this experience will be like as I’ve never gone to a Reform synagogue for High Holiday services before. I know he should be more at ease at this service because there are a lot of Interfaith families where I work and a lot of the service will be in English.

To all my Jewish friends out there, Shana Tovah U’Metukah – wishing you a sweet new year!

When I think about this day 10 years ago, it feels like a whole life time ago. I was a 16 old junior in high school. I didn’t even have my driver’s license yet. I think of what I have gone through since then: college, boyfriends, vacations, grad school (x 2), work, love. I think of how technology has changed, television, world events since 9/11, even the way we live our lives today has dramatically changed. I think of the dead who have missed these changes, who did not get a chance to live out their lives, the families who’s lives have changed so drastically, the times and memories that families and friends are missing because their loved ones lost their lives that day. It hurts when I stop to think about the past 10 years. I hurt for those families. Because I was lucky. I didn’t lose anyone in the attacks. My family and friend base was safe. Others were not so lucky.

It’s strange to me that my students now have no memory of this. Z. wasn’t born yet. One of my students was a year old…the rest 2 years old at the time. My own children when I have them one day will ask me about this day just like I’ve asked my mother and father about where they were when Kennedy was assassinated.  To them, this is just going to be a day in history that they’re going to have to learn about and memorize the facts. For us, it’s a day we will never forget.

I remember being in the junior class meeting in the auditorium the morning of the attacks. I don’t remember much of the meeting besides mention of the class rings we could buy soon enough.  It had just finished and Lina and I were walking to 4th period when David Perez came running up to us crying about the WTC being attacked and his sister was there and probably dying (If I remember correctly, she did get out in time because eventually he did get through to her). All I could think then was David Perez is a known pathological liar and this is just a ploy for attention. I wish now it had just been a ploy. I walked into Mrs. Katz’s psychology class and my jaw dropped as I watched the scenes being replayed on CNN. I saw the second tower fall on the news.  I remember sitting with Stephanie (or rather I think I sprawled across the desk – no one cared at the moment) just wondering why? I don’t know even knowing what we know now if I’ll ever really comprehend the why. I don’t know if I really paid attention to flight 93 – I was more distracted by the Pentagon because I had friends who had family members work there. I just remember being in utter shock and horror for days afterwards. The only other time I remember ever living feeling that kind of horror was during the DC Sniper attacks. I never want to feel that horror again.

I remember staying up late at night watching the news and talking on the phone with Lina and Romeo. Before that day, I understood the idea of terrorism vaguely in the context of what was going on in Israel. I never thought it would happen here. I do remember talking with Mommy and thinking, well maybe now people will understand and sympathize with what Israel goes through on a regular basis. I don’t think 10 years later though that people ever gained that understanding. If they did, then Middle East politics would be a lot different.

I sit here now typing this and watching the interview with George Bush on National Geographic. I was never a fan of George Bush. I couldn’t stand the man throughout his presidency. As I sit here and watch him though, I think back and I realize that my memories of this horrific day is through a 16 year old’s point of view. I can’t imagine being an adult on this day nor can I imagine the hell this man went through that day as the president of our nation. To this day, I don’t know if I buy into the conspiracy theories out there but I do know this… at the end of that day, I went to bed and I knew I had my family and friends. I was relatively safe and I didn’t have to take care of anyone because I had people there to take care of me. This man, as much I disliked him as a president, had the world on his shoulders that day. This man couldn’t sit back and just be a father and a husband … he had to take care of a nation. I find that 10 years later watching this documentary, I have a lot more respect for him. As he states, he never never wanted to be a war time president, he never campaigned and promised he was going to be an amazing war chief. He wasn’t…but maybe, deep down, he did the best he could with what he had. And maybe, just maybe…for that day alone, that’s all we could ask for.

I tend to think of situations in terms of TV episodes – particularly Golden Girls and Friends. I can find a situation or circumstance in my own life and apply to to an episode. Strange little quirk.

In The One Where They All Turn Thirty, Phoebe discovers she’s not 30 but rather 31 and she never did accomplish what she wanted to accomplish by the time she was 30.

I’m turning 26 in about 24 hours and I feel that same way. I’m not where I thought I would be in my life and thus I worry about where I should be and contemplate the coulda’s, shoulda’s, woulda’s. I focus and fixate on everything that is wrong that I don’t stop to think about what is right in my life. I wonder if other people in their mid-twenties are suffering the same doubts I am? Wondering where they went wrong…should they have made a left when they made a right? Do they stay up thinking about the alternative possibilities? Pondering how the decisions they make today will affect them tomorrow? Do they wish they could hide under the covers and pretend just for a day that they are a child again?

I realize though, this kind of thinking is quite stressful. Personally, I find myself withdrawing into my thoughts more and more as this thinking envelops me into its harsh, cold blanket. I find myself doubting everything and anything and wondering which way is up and which way is down and if I’ll ever escape my surroundings. When will it be my turn to do all the things I hear others do …. travel, pick themselves up and move to another country, get married, buy a place, explore the world.

What I need to do is create a mantra. A mission statement maybe. Create that list of things to accomplish as Phoebe did but also a list to remind myself what I have accomplished so far in my life.

The most important thing I need to keep in mind is that I may not be where I want to be right now but I’m on that path to be where I want to be in the next 4 years. I’m back in school again and getting my Master’s in Special Education thus qualifying me for some amazing jobs in the field I want to be in when I am done with my program. I have wonderful friends and a Doofuslove, whom I admit, I probably take for granted and don’t stop think about how much I appreciate the little things he does for me. This man will go out of his way to be silly, crawl on the floor, tickle me, all the attempts to make me smile when I’m in a mood. He knows my soul inside and out and loves me regardless in good times and bad. I have parents who drive me nuts but love me and support me. I have a a good job that while it pays me crap, I can say honestly I love. For the most part, when I don’t allow myself to get down, I know that I have damn good life.

What are some things you want to accomplish in the next few years? What are you doing to accomplish those goals? What is your mantra for when your spirits are down?

I never get to use Earthquake quotes in my titles…because earthquakes never happen here until today.

Yeah, you heard me right! EARTHQUAKE IN MARYLAND!

Oddly enough my Facebook status this morning:

Please post this as your status if you know someone who has been eaten by penguins. Penguins are nearly unstoppable and, when hungry, also breathe fire. 71% of people won’t copy this into their status because they have already been eaten by penguins. Another 28% won’t because they are hiding in their showers with fire extinguishers awaiting the imminent Penguin Apocalypse. The remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.

It should have said Earthquake Apocalypse because that’s all anyone’s going to be talking about for the next few days – myself probably included!

This is my first real earthquake. We had a minor one last year…I slept through it. I woke up then to Romeo texting me at 5 AM talking about it. I did not feel a thing then. This one is a bit different because I definitely felt it!

So where was I when this earthquake took place? We had a staff meeting in which Dana was presenting about testing, LINCS and Frames and after an hour and 15 minutes, I needed a 5 minute break. I ducked out, stretched and headed to the classroom to sit in my room just to clear my head and regroup. I sat down, opened my browser to CNN and noticed the headlines about Ghaddafi when I felt the building shake. I brushed it off to my imagination until it shook some more…and I freaked out! I thought it was a gunman shooting or a terrorist setting off his bomb. I rannnn back to the cafeteria where everyone else was looking at each other in shock and when I came in, everyone turned to look at me in which I exclaimed “I didn’t do it!” I still couldn’t figure what happened. Finally, a few seconds later, someone mentioned it was an earthquake and I was shocked. We all ran to the TV and about 5 minutes later, there’s a marquee scrolling on the news saying that we just got hit by a 5.8 earthquake!

As it turns out, I don’t think any of us at work really have an idea of what to do in the event of an earthquake! Turns out, apparently you should go outside! Who knew? At least I can now, I’ve lived through one! Quite a scary experience though especially going through the brunt of it by yourself!

Maybe though I should set up plans for the event of future earthquakes and hurricanes (which apparently we’re in the wake of Hurricane Irene!). What exactly are your plans?

I have an affinity for personality quizzes; maybe it’s because I like filling out things, maybe it’s the psychology degree holder in me, and maybe it’s because I like finding out the results of things and understanding myself a bit better.

I tend to score as an extrovert on personality quizzes. Not an extreme one but a moderate one. I tend to score as an ENFJ for the most part and I identify with it. I enjoy going out: I like spending time with friends, discussions, working out with friends, going out to dinner, trivia nights (which I want to do more of), going to the fairs in the summertime, clubbing, shopping, and simply being social. At heart, I’m a social person. However, I like my alone time a lot and appreciate having that time to myself to just sit around and blog, read, and be with my thoughts. If I’m out too much, I need a day or two just to be with me.

Lately though, I’ve been questioning if I’m truly extroverted. As I mentioned, I truly enjoy going out. But if I go out, I don’t like huge parties where I don’t know anyone. Those kinds of parties, you’ll find me up against a wall trying to figure out if there’s a person I can approach who I can talk to and if not, I’m not the one who’s going to mingle. I’m not a good mingler at all. I wish I was a good mingler. But that I wasn’t even as a kid. I can remember starting 5th grade at Kemp Mill and sitting on the playground the first few days trying to figure who might want to talk to me but not being able to figure how to approach them. It took me asking the playground aide who should I talk to that I met my best friend at the time, Mary. After that it became easier. Mingling to me is still that same chore when I don’t know anyone except as an adult, there’s no one really to point you to someone.

Then take the bar scene: my best friend, Eva, will go up to everyone and anyone and strike up a conversations. She’ll text me all about the conversations she has with people and when I’m with her, I’m always amazed (and slightly envious) of her ease of talking to people. I don’t find that same ease or even that enjoyment. If I go to the bar, I’m with my friends and if I’m lucky I’ll manage to strike up a conversation with a stranger but then worry about how they’re perceiving me so more often than.

And while I enjoy clubbing and dancing, I hate the crowds of drunk people dancing in my space. I have shoved people to get them to back off of me (and threw my beer in this guy’s face once when he wouldn’t get the hint). I get annoyed and frustrated with how crowded a club can get to the point where I’m not enjoying myself anymore.  My ideal club is where there is not so many people and I have the room to dance and be free.

I find that as I get older, my ideal night of going out is being able to go out with a few friends to lunch or dinner or go over to friend’s houses to hang out. Take my night last night: Jon and I went to Brian and Mariel’s house where we hung out with them, Austin, Amanda, Rachi, and Billy. Brian, Austin, and Mariel made dinner, Amanda made a tomato and mozzarella salad, and Jon and I brought macaroni salad. We had dinner, drank a bit and played the Game of Things, an attempt at Truth or Dare, and Bomberman on Wii. That’s my idea of a good night.

I’m not sure how I feel about this new realization about myself though especially as my 26th birthday approaches in two weeks. Jon said had I been willing to go clubbing, he’d have gone with me and my friends (he’s the opposite of me – he’s always been much more introverted than I am and is quite content with nights like I described last night). I considered that. I don’t want to. I decided this year I want to go to an Italian restaurant with my friends in Rockville (never tried it but the menu sounds so yummy!) and then do karaoke. I also want to do the Terrapin Adventures where I can go ziplining but Jon and I are doing that the following day. This is my idea of fun. That’s not to say I don’t like clubbing and bars and that scene because I appreciate them in small doses. I just never understood the people who feel the need to go on a regular basis and always wondered at how do they obtain that enjoyment when it eludes me.

Does this make me an more of an introvert, or am I simply getting old, or is it that as I get older, I’m finding what I truly enjoy even it means I’m not the typical adult in their mid-20′s who’s out at the bars and clubs after work? Or maybe I’m just an ambivert and that’s not an option on these quizzes. I can’t figure it out and I’m not sure what to make of it.

What about you? Are you more of an introvert or extrovert and are you ok with that?

August seems to have gotten away from me…with that, so has the Blog-a-thon. Sigh. What happened to you, Hillary, you wonder? A lot considering I’ve been on vacation since August 5th!

I went up to PA for a week to spend time with my Doofuslove. Every year, we go to Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA for as many days as we can manage to squeeze in. Musikfest is a huge week long festival filled with music, food, and art/handiworks from all over the world. You can find polka,country, rap, ska, hip hop, bluegrass, oldies (we listened to this awesome 80′s cover band!), and more and you can listen for free! They also have every night headlining shows from big name musicians (Maroon 5, Nick Jonas, Miranda Cosgrove, Train are the ones to come to mind from this Musikfest) that you can pay to see. I love going for the music and all of the food…Aww Shucks Corn (corn on the cob dipped in butter and covered in seasonings and Parmesan cheese), Take a Taco, Theo’s Gyros, Potato Twisters, Halupkis (though I didn’t have one this year – stuffed cabbage), orangeade/lemonade/limeade, deep fried kool aid….nom nom nom

Best part of Musikfest was the fact that Jon’s good friend, Mike, managed to score pretty much front row (second row) tickets to the Maroon 5 concert … for free!!! AHHHHH! He’s got some nice connections, that’s for sure! As soon as the show started, I looked at Jon and asked if I could run up to the railing like all the little 17 year old girls … and he was like, why not if they are..and I ran! Yes, that’s right I stood next to the railing and screamed along with them and drooled over Adam Levine <3 They put on an amazing show! I was sooooo happy that night!

Besides Musikfest….

Jon and I went on a mini vacation to Wildwood, NJ for 2 days. His good friend RJ and his wife Jen (along with their 5 year old daughter, Jasmine) were going for the whole week and staying at a motel (along with some members of RJ’s family who stayed on the campgrounds) and invited us to come along. We got a motel room at the same place and we had a really relaxing time going to the water park, boardwalk, pool, and beach It’s definitely an experience to vacation with a 5 year old but she’s quite adorable and fun to be with! I also managed to score a $15 anklet for my Mommy (yay for Israelis and my Hebrew bargaining skills) and a cute Flyers shirt!

I bought my textbooks – cost about $170 for two. I hate how the prices for textbooks are so jacked up. I bought from Amazon which was cheaper than UND’s bookstore but still ridiculous. Sadly my job does not reimburse for books . I’m soooo excited to start classes next Monday! One of my classes is already up on Blackboard and I’m the dork who’s already completed the first quiz, posted my introduction (thanks to UoP, I can write a damn good detailed intro post compared to some of the other students who’ve posted who wrote few sentences barely describing themselves!), and posted my replies to the ones who posted theirs. I must sound like the biggest dork to them but that’s ok!

I also finally….bought a laptop! It’s been my goal for the past few years to buy myself one (so nice to cross that off on my LJ goal’s list!) and finally did it. I didn’t need anything OMG expensive because all I wanted it for was to write papers and browse the internet, and as a bonus, webchat with the V members in my room (because as anyone from V who has been in a chat with me knows the TV in the living room is loud as hell). Honestly, it was frustrating for me at work when everyone has their own laptop and I was dependent on one of the school’s ones which in our classroom means our J, up arrow, and two other keys are missing thanks to one of our students who kept picking at the keys! So Jon’s been on the lookout for me for a good deal for the past month and finally found a computer for me that met his specs of what would be a decent computer (because I don’t know much about specs at all!). He found a nice HP laptop at Best Buy in their back to school sale going on this week and I <3 it! It’s awesome to be able to sit on the couch and watch TV and be able to do work!

I just need a good name for it…

I also finally figured what’s going on with my stomach…turns out I’m now lactose intolerant. I couldn’t figure  it out until Mommy happened to speak to Felicia and told her about my symptoms to which she replied that Charles is lactose intolerant. And then she kept talking to other family members including my father….yup I never knew but Aba can’t touch dairy either. Bingo. I went to the doctor who pretty much confirmed it. Bah – it sucks as I never realized how much dairy I consume on a regular basis! I did however discover Silk brand Dark Chocolate “milk” which is absolutely amazing! So is their Vanilla milk! I have  used Lactaid which helps too when I do want dairy. At least I know what I have now rather than freaking out!

Hitting up tonight the MoCo fair with Jon, Brian, Mariel, Rachi, and Austin. I haven’t been to the fair in years (I think since Shelly, Ashley, and I went and my car died in the parking lot which had to be about 2005/2006). Apparently according to all of the Facebook statuses I’ve been seeing, everyone and their mother has been at the fair so I’m curious to see who I might run into!

After the past two weeks, it’s going to be hard to go back to work on Monday!

Today’s Prompt: What are some of your bad habits?

Playing with my nails: I remember being 5 years old and Mommy was giving me a bath. She told me that Felicia had called her and she agreed for Susie’s 6th birthday, she was going to let her get her ears pierced. Mommy asked me if I wanted to get my ears pierced too with Susie and I told her yes, I did! Mommy told me then if this was to happen, the deal was that I had to stop playing with my nails. I agreed and sure enough a month before I turned 6, Susie and I got our ears pierced. 20 years later I still have my ears pierced…I also still play with my nails. It’s not as bad as it used to be but as a result, my nails are kept very short because I pick at the nail and peel it as well as play with the skin around the nails.

Not hanging stuff up: I tend to leave stuff laying around – shirts, pants, you name it. I tend to have a messy room not because of my things but because of my laziness to hang my clothes up. I need to make an active effort to be on top of that.

Procrastination: Don’t get me wrong, I get things done but it’ll take me forever to do it because I keep putting things off. I am that person writing a paper at 3 AM that’s due the next day despite having 3 months to write it. I need to work on that especially with starting grad school!

Time management/being on time: I joke that I run on Jewish Standard Time…it’s probably true. I tend to have a more flexible view of time than others. While I’m on time to work or appointments…most people who’ve picked me up to go places like the gym, shopping, movies, etc, know they’ll probably end up waiting for me to be ready. A lot of that is due to procrastination – I’ll wait til the last possible minute to be ready but I really need to work on not keeping people waiting.

Today’s prompt: What would you say to the first person who ever broke your heart if you were given the chance?

Honestly?

Dear Fucktard(s),
Thank you for breaking my heart because my life is quite fantastically lovely without you in it. I have wonderful friends, great family, a job that while drives me insane but allows me to make a difference in a child’s life, and the the most amazing boyfriend that I could ever imagine who loves me for me; flaws and all. You could have had me and you chose to not to and for that I’ll be forever grateful.
Signed,
Me